behind cloudy eyes: living visually impaired lol
//8/30/18//
I can’t remember the last time I was able to see clearly. That is, without any glasses or contacts... I do remember the day in elementary school when I realized I couldn’t see what Mrs. Whitt was writing on the board for handwriting class, and by second grade I had received my first pair of snazzy glasses with a skinny little rim that were purple with flowers and studs, and they became essential to my everyday life. In sixth grade, joining the dance team led me to get contacts. Let me tell you, those were a game-changer. I no longer had the fear of a ball hitting my face in PE and breaking them (or my nose as a consequence), and I didn’t have to push them up my nose when I was looking down and reading a book. There was also no way that I would get a tan line on my face from my glasses anymore. Score.
As I continued having my yearly checkups, I realized that my eyesight kept getting worse as time went on. Last month, my eye exam revealed that my prescription is -7, whereas the average prescription for near-sided people is -2. My optometrist also told me that the highest level of corrective power for contacts is -12... which my eyes would reach if they continued to get worse. Which is quite scary, if I'm being honest.
Having bad eyes has been a part of my life for so long that it seems so natural to me, but then I remember how weird it is to not be able to clearly see things with my raw eyes. Every night, I take my contacts out before I shower and the only way I know which bottles are body wash and which are shampoo is by looking at the color of the bottles. When I try to look at my phone without contacts/glasses, I have to hold it up 2 inches away from my face or else all my notifications look like one gray blur. When I step inside my room, I can’t identify faces on my picture board unless my face is right next to each photo or else the pictures look like blobs of color. If I took out my contacts, this page would be a translucent block of black on a white background. Not to mention, when I took the basic eye exam a month ago, I could only read the top two rows of letters… including the big E on the top. This all sounds pretty bad and I admit, it is pretty irritating to not be able to see clearly. Plus, it’s sort of concerning that I’m approaching the prescription limit of contacts. But I’ve learned to think - and see - positively.
With my natural eyesight, I really only see mixtures of colors, and I have to infer what certain things are. I can’t tell a brown pillow from a dog, and I’m never quite sure of what might be in the bowl in front of me (cereal or soup???). I can’t really see my own face clearly in the mirror unless I look close enough that my nose touches the glass. My whole world ends up consisting of fuzzy clouds, all different sizes and colors and textures. Of course, when I squint, those clouds become a little bit more clear. But as soon as I step back a little bit, they go right back to being undefined figures. The world is my personal impressionist painting - open to interpretation, loose strokes of colors, and consisting of a beautiful mix of colors that might not make the most sense but settle. The attached painting, The Boulevard Montmartre at Night by Camille Pissarro, is quite similar to how the city looks through my eyes.
When I come to see everything as art rather than becoming frustrated at the lack of clarity, I realize that I have so much to be thankful for - such as still having the actual sense of sight to be able to observe and appreciate our earth. My cloudy eyes are a part of me that defines the way I take in every experience, and I’ve learned to not take my vision - or my contacts - for granted.
When I come to see everything as art rather than becoming frustrated at the lack of clarity, I realize that I have so much to be thankful for - such as still having the actual sense of sight to be able to observe and appreciate our earth. My cloudy eyes are a part of me that defines the way I take in every experience, and I’ve learned to not take my vision - or my contacts - for granted.
This is a beautiful post! I love that you give your readers a window into your vision with the impressionist painting you include as an example. My mom has very poor vision (legally blind without corrective lenses, of which she only wears one, because the other eye has been low vision since her infancy). She recently had cataract surgery and told me that it was mind blowing to her to see clearly without her glasses or contacts, something she hasn't experienced since she was a tiny child. (She still has to wear strong reading glasses, but her distance vision is now 20/20 in her good eye.)
ReplyDeleteUgh, I can't describe how beautiful this post is. While I heard you talking about this in real life, reading the backstory and your thoughts & reflections about this felt as though I got closer to you. It's an odd sort of feeling (mainly because it feels somewhat one-sided). But reading through how you've taken a positive outlook in this aspect of your life, was very inspirational to me. The painting was really gave me perspective on what it is like to be in your shoes (and omg it's so beautiful). Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteThis is such a beautiful story. I've never really understood what it would feel like to not be able to see clearly, because I never really had any problems with my vision. Out of sheer curiosity I would always want to know what it looks and feels like to not be able to see everything clearly. The painting beautifully shows that and I love how you describe your relationship with your vision.
ReplyDeleteThis post is so... pretty! I love the use of visual imagery to describe the way you see the world. Even more I like the shift from a negative way of seeing your vision loss to a more positive interpretation (as art). The painting was really nice as it both showed us what you actually see and fostered the connection with art. As a person who is very clear-sighted I would be absolutely devastated if I couldn't see details but you seem to see the positives in your cloudy eyes really well - may I say, better than you see your surroundings ;)
ReplyDeleteI love this post! I also have pretty bad eyesight because I have really bad astigmatism. Every time I get my eyes checked my astigmatism gets worse, and I have to get special contact lenses that cost way more than normal ones. I definitely feel the fear that you describe every time the doctor tells me my astigmatism got worse, and the fact that I can't do much to stop it because it has to do with the shape of my eye. The ending of your post was unexpected but very beautiful. I had never thought about blurred vision in this way, and I think this post helped me to have a more positive perspective on my flawed vision.
ReplyDeleteI also have bad vision, and I can relate to your post. What's funny is that when you got contacts, I got my glasses. I don't think I'm at the stage where I can only discern colors without glasses, but I'm sure I'll get there in a few years. I was thinking about getting contacts, but I seriously lack the talent and patience needed to learning how to put in contacts; my eyes hurt whenever I do, and I gave up. Great post!
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